Only a Friend
by mercurywrites
Summary: Five times Lily nearly sees her relationship with Severus as something more.


_Something less than something more to you_  
><em>Just something here to pass the time<em>  
><em>Something less than something more to you<em>  
><em>Does it ever cross your mind?<em>

(Caitlin Cary, Something Less)

* * *

><p>Weddings always bored Lily. In her ten years, she had seen enough of them to know that they were all the same; the prayers, the rituals, the lovestruck couples who would be arguing by the end of the reception—if they were sober enough to carry out a coherent conversation. Even the churches started to look alike after a while. Which was why, slumped down in a pew at her Aunt Martha's second wedding, Lily was struggling to keep her eyes open.<p>

"Lily!" her mother hissed, jerking her awake with a sharp jab to her shoulder, "The ceremony is over. Get up!"

Lily yawned and stretched her arms over her head as her mother glared at her and Petunia sneered from behind her back. "Lily," Mrs. Evans said again, impatiently, "This is a church, don't be rude."

"Sorry," Lily muttered, sidling out of the pew to stand beside her parents and sister. Her father squeezed her shoulder and gave her a sympathetic look as Mrs. Evans and Petunia—who absolutely adored weddings—walked over to congratulate Martha and her new husband.

The groom—Phil? Will? Lily would never remember—had his arm snaked around Martha's waist as she simpered, "Thank you. He's my best friend, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him."

Lily impatiently shook hands with the newly married couple, forced a smile, and skittered over to where Petunia was standing by the massive oak doors at the back of the church. "I bet you and Severus can't wait to get married," Petunia sneered, shooting Lily a look tinged with scorn and jealousy.

"Don't be stupid, Sev and I aren't getting married. He's my best friend."

"Best friends always marry each other," Petunia smirked, "You heard Aunt Martha; _He's my best friend, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him._"

"Not always," Lily said indignantly, glaring at her sister as a blush crept across her cheeks.

"See?" Petunia exclaimed gleefully, pointing a slender, bony finger at her sister, "See, you're blushing! You like him."

"Do not!" Lily snapped, right before sticking her tongue out at Petunia.

"Lily," Mrs. Evans was suddenly behind her red-headed daughter, her voice admonishing, "Don't stick your tongue out, it isn't polite."

"But Mummy!" Lily whined, "Tuney was teasing me."

Mrs. Evans turned her glare on her elder daughter. "Don't tease your sister, Petunia."

"Sorry," Petunia muttered apathetically, casting an irritable glare at Lily, who smirked in response.

Marrying Severus…it was a ridiculous thought, but it piqued Lily's curiosity. Would it be so bad, really? She already loved him, he was her best friend after all, and they got along most of the time—sometimes they argued, but then so did her parents. And he was certainly much nicer than the boys at her primary school, who thought girls had cooties and teased her for her red hair.

She could be married to Severus. She was certain she _could_ be.

But no.

He was only a friend.

* * *

><p>"Seems to me that boy is around here twenty-four hours of the day. When will the two of you start going steady, Lily?"<p>

"Grandma!" a thirteen-year-old Lily gasped, staring at the older woman in evident horror. Grandma Evans, Lily's favorite relative and the only one who knew about her being a witch, was staying with her son and his family for three weeks over the summer and had taken an immediate liking to the ever-present Severus Snape.

"He's a nice boy, Lily. Polite, well-mannered, certainly preferable to that Jeremy clod Petunia's been seeing."

"Grandma!" Lily repeated weakly, the warmth in her cheeks convincing her that her face was now the colour of her hair.

"Oh, now don't be embarrassed. He may not be the best-looking young man, but there's nothing to be done about that. Interior over exterior, I always say!" Grandma Evans exclaimed, her jowls jiggling with conviction.

Lily opened her mouth once more, her lips forming to make another remonstrative, "Grandma!" but all she could manage was a horrified, strangled choking sound.

The sharp, melodic ringing of the doorbell saved Lily from further humiliation as she leapt from her place on the couch and hurried out of the living room, shouting, "I'll get it!"

She wrenched open the front door only to be greeted by the pale, ashen face of Severus himself.

Lily felt a rush of blood flood to her cheeks once more, and she turned her head quickly, hoping her hair would hide the furious blush that was certain to be gracing her face. "C-Come in," she muttered, praying furiously to any deity that her grandma would keep the embarrassing, suggestive comments to a minimum.

"Lily, dear, who is it?" Grandma Evans called from the living room as Severus stepped through the threshold, though the warbling quality to her already bird-like voice suggested that she already knew.

Lily gritted her teeth and called back, "It's only Severus, Grandma!"

"_Only_ Severus?" Grandma Evans chirped, "Well, don't be rude, bring him in here so we can talk!"

Lily shrugged and offered Severus an uncertain sort of half-smile, her green eyes pleading for forgiveness. Severus, though his own eyes were gleaming with suspicion, said, "It's no problem, I like your Grandma," and walked ahead of her into the brightly-lit, yellow-walled living room. "Good morning, Mrs. Evans," he said, offering his hand in a gesture of courtesy.

Grandma Evans beamed up at the raven-haired teenager and reciprocated his gesture, grasping his hand with her wizened fingers. "Mrs. Evans is so formal, dear, call me Grandma," she said, then, patting the cushion of the seat beside her, added, "Sit down, Severus. Are you thirsty?" Without waiting for his response, she turned to Lily and said, "Lily, love, go fetch Severus a glass of water, will you?"

Lily bit her lip, terrified to leave Severus alone in the living room with her grandma, but after a moment's hesitation, she nodded. "Alright," she sighed as she turned to walk into the kitchen. As she exited the room, she could hear her grandma saying, "Severus—that's a fine, strong name. Latin, isn't it…"

Cringing, Lily hurried into the kitchen, wasting no time in retrieving a glass from the cupboard and filling it with water from the tap. She could only imagine the things her grandma was saying to Severus in her absence…Shuddering at the very thought, she rushed back into the living room, nearly spilling the glass of water on the carpet as she did so.

"Ah! Lily!" Grandma Evans twittered, shifting slightly to smile at her granddaughter as she handed Severus the glass, "We we just discussing how fortunate you are to have Severus as a friend, weren't we, dear?"

Severus shifted uncomfortably and shot Lily a desperate glance as he muttered, "Erm…yes, we were."

Lily sighed heavily. "That's nice, Grandma, really, but Severus and I have to go. We…erm…have plans to see a movie."

"R-right!" Severus stammered, catching on, "I'd love to stay and talk with you a while longer, but we'll be late if we don't hurry."

"Oh!" Grandma Evans exclaimed, beaming delightedly at the two teenagers, "Why, Lily, you should have told me!" She stood, shook Severus's hand once more, corrected him when he called her Mrs. Evans—"Grandma, dear, really"—and said, "Have fun at the cinema, you two," winking at Lily as she did so.

With that, Lily and Severus hurried from the Evans' house and collapsed in a fit of giggles the moment the door slammed shut behind them. "I believe your grandma thinks I'm Merlin himself," Severus smirked.

"Muggles don't care much about Merlin," Lily giggled, her eyes alight with laughter, "I'd say she thinks you're somewhere along the lines of Jesus Christ."

Severus snorted, and Lily went on; "Honestly, Grandma would be delighted with _anyone _who isn't Jeremy Cook."

"The boy your sister is dating?"

"Right," Lily agreed, wiping the lingering tears of mirth from her eyes, "Grandma thinks he's about the equivalent of the dirt beneath her shoes…" Realizing that she was comparing her friendship with Severus to her sister's first romantic relationship, she trailed off uncertainly, and for the third time that day, she was agonizingly aware of the blush lighting up her cheeks.

Severus, too, seemed to notice the direction of Lily's comment, and they were both uncomfortably silent for a moment after that. Lily chewed on her lower lip contemplatively; silence had never seemed awkward between her and Severus before, and she wasn't sure what to make of this strange new sensation.

Finally, she broke the tension with a light-hearted laugh and said, "Well, we wouldn't want to be called liars, would we? We told my grandma we were seeing a movie, so we'd might as well see one!"

Severus shrugged, still looking vaguely flustered, and said, "Alright, but we don't have any money."

Lily bumped him with her shoulder, causing him to stagger to the side, and giggled. "Honestly, Severus Snape, have you gone against the rules once in your life? We'll sneak in, of course! I snuck into a movie with that girl Helen from down the street last summer—they barely even check the tickets at the cinema."

Falling back into step beside her, Severus grinned and said, "Well, alright. But only so I can say that I broke the rules _once_."

Impulsively, Lily grabbed onto his hand and laced her fingers through his. They used to hold hands like this all the time when they were younger, but since going to Hogwarts physical contact had become less and less frequent between the two friends. Severus stiffened at her touch, and Lily nearly drew away, but almost instantly he relaxed and tightened his grip on her hand.

For the briefest of moments, Lily could almost imagine that Grandma Evans was right about the two of them. It would make sense, her and Severus being together. Everyone seemed to expect it of them—Grandma Evans, Petunia, even her parents shared knowing looks whenever Severus knocked on the door asking for Lily. A relationship with Severus would be comfortable, pleasant, right.

But only here.

At Hogwarts, things were different. At Hogwarts, a popular, intelligent Gryffindor like Lily had her place.

At Hogwarts, Severus had a place, too; a place which Lily did not like, but a place which was his nonetheless.

So she detached her fingers from his and let her arm drop to her side, acutely aware of the empty space where his hand used to be.

He was only a friend.

* * *

><p>"Severus," Lily said, rolling onto her stomach in the tall grass where she and Severus lay by the Black Lake, tired of studying for their upcoming Transfiguration exam. "Have you ever kissed a girl?"<p>

Severus's normally colourless face flushed a pale pink, and he replied, "N-No. Have you? E-Ever kissed anyone, that is?"

"No," Lily said. The skin between her eyes knit together thoughtfully. "Do you wonder what it's like?"

Severus sat up and knotted his hands together. "Well…I mean, I guess so," he muttered, his eyes fixed intently on his fingers.

"Do you want to…try it?" Lily asked, feeling for the first time uncertain of her plan.

Severus's obsidian gaze shot to her face and held her there for a moment. "Okay," he said at long last, and Lily realized she hadn't been breathing as she waited for him to respond. She let out the breath she had been holding, shaky with nerves, and made the first move to inch closer.

Their eyes closed as they moved nearer, and suddenly Lily felt his lips press against hers. She was taken aback by the roughness of them, the way they scratched her lips as he shifted, moving closer to her; however, she did not feel compelled to pull away.

A kiss that must only have lasted a few seconds felt like hours to Lily, and when they at last pulled apart, she felt an overwhelming, almost animalistic desire for more. In fact, she may have moved in for a second kiss if he hadn't asked, his voice weak with uncertainty, "So…that…I mean, that doesn't mean we're…boyfriend and girlfriend or anything…does it?"

Against all reason, Lily felt a sharp pang in her chest. He didn't want to be anything more than friends; it shouldn't have bothered her, seeing as she hadn't been looking for anything more. She had been curious, that was all, and so had he. "No, of course not!" Lily said, more sharply than she had intended. Forcing a smile, she reached over to pick up her books and stood. "Well…now we know what it's like," she said awkwardly, "Thank you." She turned quickly and hurried back in the direction of the castle, clutching her books to her chest and fighting the tears prickling in the back of her eyes.

He was only a friend.

* * *

><p>"Lily, he's not good for you!" Severus moaned, already tired of the conversation they had had dozens of times in the past.<p>

"You don't know Fabian!" Lily snapped, lengthening her stride so that she was a few paces ahead of her friend.

Severus nearly broke into a jog to catch up with her. "I know that he picks up a new girl practically once a week!"

"We've been dating for almost a month, so that doesn't even make sense," Lily said shortly.

"Lily!" Severus snapped, grabbing onto the sleeve of her robe and forcing her to an abrupt halt. Lily yanked her arm from his grasp and fixed him with a stare that could freeze the sun.

"This doesn't concern you," she said icily.

"You're my best friend, of _course_ it concerns me!"

The two stood in silence for a moment, Severus gazing at the red-headed girl imploringly while Lily returned his stare with venom lacing her green eyes. Finally, the hardness in Lily's face softened and she said, "Look, Sev, I appreciate your concern, but you don't need to worry. I can take care of myself."

However, the desperation etched in Severus's face did not diminish at her words; if anything, it became only more intense. "Lily," he begged, his voice coming out in a raspy whisper, "Just…trust me. Please? I don't want…I can't let…"

"Oh," Lily laughed harshly, "You can't _let _me? Well, I have news for you, Severus: you have absolutely _no _say in who I choose to date. You don't _control_ me." She shook her head and smiled bitterly. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that you were jealous."

Lily didn't want to see his face after that statement—she wasn't sure which she was more afraid of, being right or being wrong. So she turned on her heel and strode forcefully in the opposite direction, confident that this time he would not follow.

She paused at the entrance from the Middle Courtyard back into the castle and willed herself not to turn around. She didn't know what, exactly, she was trying to avoid looking at, but somehow she knew that if she turned around, she would have an answer to the question she so desperately _wanted _to be answered—yet was too afraid to face.

Lily shook her head fiercely, trying to dispel the thought from her mind, and hurried off down the corridor. For the life of her, she couldn't figure out why it upset her so much anyway.

After all, he was only a friend.

* * *

><p>"James, you <em>promised!<em>" Lily screamed, blindly striking out with a fist and connecting with the man's chest.

James let out a soft _oof_, more out of surprise than actual pain, and took Lily's wrists within his hands. "Lily!" he said, "Lily-flower, stop, you're acting crazy."

Lily released a sharp breath and glared at her boyfriend venomously, but she stopped struggling to release herself from his viselike grip. "I'm sorry," she said at long last, "But you_ promised_ me that you had stopped tormenting Severus. I thought you had changed…" her voice broke on the last word, and she trailed off tearfully.

"Hey," James said softly, cautiously letting go of one arm to reach up and wipe the tear sliding down Lily's face. "I _have _changed! You know I have. I'm not nearly as big an idiot as I used to be…though I admit, I still have some work to do."

Lily snorted lightly and her mouth quirked up a bit at the edges. "I don't think you'll ever _not _be an idiot," she said playfully, "But I have to say, I _am _proud of you. You've done a lot of growing up over the past year. It's just…you _know_ what Severus used to mean to me, and…to find out that you're still harassing him when you _promised_ me that you had stopped…It just hurts."

James looked abashed. "I'm sorry, Lil, but he doesn't exactly make it easy—But you're right, of course I'll stop," he said, quickly changing tactics under the ferocity of her glare.

Lily smiled wholly now and leaned forward to peck James on the lips. "I love you," she whispered, as she tried not to be reminded of her first kiss at the age of fourteen by the Black Lake.

Somehow, Severus still had a hold on her; still had a control, a power over her that she could not escape from and could not rationalize. It disturbed her, it scared her, it confused her.

She should not care so much for a man who was no longer even her friend.


End file.
